What Now?

I’ve put this off for too long. After Mom died, I found myself unable to write with any kind of certainty; I had so much to say, but I knew saying it would put me in a dark place, so now I’m wondering how worth it is to be this emotionally honest at this point. Do I say what I need to say and deal with the emotional fallout, or do I keep pretending that I should hold off for another week?

I miss her so much. There’s no getting past that fact, and I worry that my friends may think they have to do something more than just be there for me in order to help me move on. You don’t; just your constant love and support makes it possible for me to get past this relatively easily

I can’t pretend that this wasn’t already  a wildly difficult time in my life, even before she died. I was deeply in love with a wonderful woman who had to take her own path, one that eventually meant we would have to go our separate ways. I can’t deny that not  having her constantly in my life anymore hurt more than I was expecting (only because she’s so much fun to be around), but I also know she needed to find herself, so to speak, and that process didn’t involve me anymore, so how do I blame her for taking the less-traveled path in order to make it happen? I really can’t, because I see exactly where she’s coming from, and a part of me really wishes I was in her shoes, because her life right now seems so appealing.

As much as I miss what she and I had last year, I’m so glad that we’re still friends. Anyone can tell you that when you cross that romance line with an old friend, things can easily go wrong fast. Fortunately, we both promised each other that, no matter what, we’d put our friendship first, and — thankfully — that promise is still holding true, even when I’ve been longing for times past. Though we haven’t talked about it, she’s still been so patient with me, and I’m very grateful for that, because I’m trying incredibly hard to let go of her in that sense, and her patience makes the process so much easier.

I mean, to be honest, we probably don’t need to talk about it; what’s happened has happened, and while it was amazing while it lasted, I also knew ahead of time that it wouldn’t. I mean, given the circumstances, it couldn’t. I was lucky in that she was so honest with me from the get-go; whatever we were at the time, it wasn’t going to turn into a relationship. Though I would have given anything for that to happen, I also knew it wouldn’t, so there was no sense in getting my hopes up. Thankfully, she’s the kind of good soul who doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and she never did.

I don’t know, I’ve been in such a weird, nebulous state these last few months. I feel okay, but at the same time I don’t. I miss Mom so damn much that she’s in my mind hourly, but at the same time I’m moving on from her death, just as I did David’s 14 years ago. I never imagined that healing process would ever be relevant again; in fact, I had hoped that I would never have to say goodbye to someone I loved that much again. A foolish hope, I know, but losing David had such a profoundly heavy impact on my life, and I was just young enough to believe that it would be a very long time before I had to go through something that painful again.

Obviously, things changed, as life always does, and though I have experienced loss since David — and though I thought I had better armor against it — there’s no denying that my world was shattered when Jason and I found Mom that day.

This is all to say that I think I’m okay. I don’t know for sure yet, and I know it’s going to be a long time before her death is anything other than soul-crushing to me, but I think I am doing better. Don’t hold me to that, but I think I’m gonna be okay.

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